


The Loss of a Child

by AmandaG96



Category: Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: BeforeMichaelBurnham, Blood Loss, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Healing, Human, Hurt/Comfort, Infant Death, Miscarriage, Stillbirth, Vulcan, traumatic, unexpected
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-21
Updated: 2020-08-21
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:47:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26028940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmandaG96/pseuds/AmandaG96
Summary: While they did not expect to have a second child, Amanda and Sarek quickly embrace when the unexpected happens. However, when everything seems to have fallen into place, tragedy strikes.(This story is told in Amanda perspective and thus depicts infant loss, due because of the nature of the story, I have given it an Mature Rating.)
Relationships: Amanda Grayson/Sarek
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18





	The Loss of a Child

We hadn't planned on having another child, but as we say back on Earth - things happen, or is it something else now?Anyway, when I fell sick it upon returning from an excursion, it was Sarek who suggest the possibility of pregnancy when my head was half way in the toilet bowl enduring the third week of vomiting, and extreme fatigue.

He did his best to comfort me, his hand rested on my back as gasped for breath in between each heaves, and he even canceled a meeting or two, but, once he started carrying me to bed after extended periods of time in the bathroom he insisted the physician come to our home.

Wanting to prove him wrong, I finally relented and the physician was called. Spock was six years old at the time and attending extensive training for admission into the Vulcan Academy. Thus, he was away from home for the whole semester, only coming home for long weekends, and holidays. I remember my mother telling me that it was the worst time of her life when my sister and I went to boarding school, but my experience was quite the opposite.

I laid on the bed as the physician arrived. An older Vulcan healer, he was very gentle upon examining my stomach. Surprisingly, he only took twenty minutes before he stood from the side of the bed, turned to Sarek and confirmed that I was indeed pregnant.

"Your wife is with child, Ambassador Sarek."

_Oh F..._

Fear filled my body, I felt my stomach drop into my butt as the memories flooded back. The morning sickness, the daily injections, the labour, the birth, the pain.

"Your wife is due in 8 months time" He explained, as he began to pack away his bag. "The vomiting is nothing to be concerned about at present. Drink Vulcan breakfast tea twice a day with extra ginger, and what you earth people might call... bread"

Just the mention of food made my hand rush to my mouth. I fought the nausea, forcing out an appreciative smile. I got up from the bed, wrapped my robe around my body and followed the two men out of the bedroom, through the house and to the main door. After Sarek escorted the doctor out, he turned around and upon a quick look around for any gawking servants wrapped me in a hug.

"I know this is not want you wanted, Amanda. I assure you we have the means to sustain another child"

I nodded, but that wasn't what I was worried about. The early months of my pregnancy with Spock were traumatic to say the least. I seriously thought I was going to die and no one knew how this hybrid pregnancy would go. When the copper in my blood rose to dangerously high levels, the doctors began giving me painful daily injections to stop the child's blood from crossing with my own.

Things slowly began to get better after that. The Hyperemisis subsided, but the nausea. The dreaded nausea lingered well into the sixth month of pregnancy.

"I know" I finally said, "I'm just worried" I pull a string from his shirt loose and fiddled with it between my fingers. "We are not as young as we used to be, and Spock coming into the world was not easy, even by Vulcan standards". I looked down at the loose string between my fingers "Sixteen hours" I shuttered.

"I will enlist more doctors and midwives if it comforts you"

A sudden wave of nausea rendered me speechless. I covered my mouth, taking in a deep breath, "Perhaps we should talk about it later" I said. "I'm suddenly feeling ill again."

With a helping hand, he put me back to bed. When he moved the waist bin back to its original place next to the bed my stomach decided to release its contents once more. His hand rubbed my shoulders as I hunched over the side of the bed, and one the heaving finally subsided he pulled the duvet over my body and pulled the black out curtains across the floor to ceiling window.

I feel asleep before he left the room and didn't wake up until Linnea, Spock's nanny, shook me awake for dinner. I sat at the table with Sarek attempting to eat the food placed in front of me, but, my husband's gawking eye made it harder to focus on even eating one bite of the vegetarian pasta dish.

Just the mere smell of the tomato sauce made my stomach turn. I pushed the plate away and in stead tried to focus on the simplest thing in front of me, water. Sarek turned to the servants who watched us eat and said calmly,

"Amanda is with child. That is why she wont consume the food."

 _Eat, god damn it. Why couldn't he just say_ _eat!?_ I caught the eye of our two human servant who muffled smiles.

Finding the smell and sight of food unbearable, I excused myself back to the bedroom and retired back to bed. I curled into a ball within the duvet and forced myself back to sleep. It wasn't until my husband joined me in bed that night that I felt good enough to sneak into the kitchen for some food. To my surprise, Spock's nanny, Linnea, was sitting on the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream.

Grabbing a spoon, I joined her side on the kitchen floor. When I apologized for not telling her about the pregnancy sooner. She simply smiled,

"It is alright, Amanda" she said. "I am just happy that Felix and I have a job for the next sixteen years."

I smiled, scooping some of the chocolate ice cream onto my spoon.

"Even if we did not have a second child, you would still have a job with us".

Seeing her eat the ice cream at midnight was surprising as she was quite health conscious. She even convinced me, on multiple occasions, to go running with her on Vulcan which resulted in a rather embarrassing trip to the hospital. As she shoved an over sized spoonful of ice cream in her mouth I smiled, and decided to let her know that I knew her secret.

"You are due in seven months, am I wrong?" I asked, while scraping some ice cream off the side of the tub. She froze with her spoon halfway in her mouth.

"Please, don't tell the Ambassador. We know the rules, we will move out in a couple of months, we just need more wages".

"Linnea, it is alright" My voice calm and reassuring. "Sarek knows you are with child. He knew it the moment he caught you napping during Spock's math tutoring session. Please, don't worry, he is not mad. In fact, he said you can stay and that you and Felix can both keep your jobs.".

As she signed with relief, I wrapped her in a hug, "Congratulations" I whispered in her ear. "You will be a wonderful mother."

"You know what this means, right?" she asked, sniffing away forming tears.

"What?"

"May God help everyone in the house when these babies come. Two babies ... crying at night. Miranda and Wesley will hate us!"

I smiled, "Don't forget T'Mara. She has to get up before everyone else to make breakfast".

The next couple weeks were hard, I lost track of how many times I had ran out of council meetings to vomit. The daily injections were going as planned, and slowly the morning sickness began to pass.

When Spock came home for the summer, we didn't even have to tell him. I was already quite slender and upon his homecoming, he eyes were immediately drawn to my growing bump. That night, he said softly as his fingers caressed my belly and ear pressed against the fabric of my dress.

"I hear the child's heartbeat. It was sufficient enough to sustain its life".

* * *

Despite the dreaded Vulcan heat, I still couldn't resist spending the evenings outside on the chaise lounge admiring the beautiful sunsets Vulcan had to offer. With pillows in the curves of my aching back and a light white blanket across my legs, I admired the beginnings of a beautiful sunset from our patio just outside the bedroom.

I was lost in my thoughts as I remembered Spock's birth in this very spot six years ago. My fever was so high, I had begged the midwives to give me something to let me sleep, but, despite my begging they moved me outside saying that the cool air could provide relief from both the pain and my rising fever.

I gave birth to Spock under the setting sun, and I had lost track of how many nights Sarek and I spent out here. As I continued to drift further and further into beautiful memories, I caress my growing belly and, for the first time, couldn't wait to add one more.

"It is an exceptional night" I heard.

I turned to see Sarek in the threshold,

"Yes, very beautiful." I said. "Come and join me"

Joining my side, I rested my head on his shoulder and watched the sun begin to set. As I sighed in relief from the breeze, I was cut off by a sharp pain. I griped my stomach and doubled over,

"Ah"

"Amanda!?" Sarek leaned forward, his arm suddenly around my shoulder, "Amanda, what is it?"

The pain subsided, "It was a cramp… it's nothing. Its…. " the pain returned, but this time, it felt like a stab in the gut. As I drew in a sharp breath, I felt a pop between my legs and something wet pouring out of me.

"Oh no, no, no"

Sarek lifted the blanket from my legs. A puddle of iron rich blood soaked through my nightgown and onto the blanket. Horror shot through my body. I knew what this meant, and I knew I had mere moments to mentally prepare myself. I turned to Sarek, gripping my stomach as the pain worsened.

His eyes read fear, his body read fear, but he tried to maintain a sense of calm. He tried to help me to my feet but the pain rendered me back down. As I looked up at him, I suddenly felt a huge wave of fear that rushed through our bond. I had never felt him so afraid and as my eyes focused on his face, I realized that I had never _seen_ him so afraid either.

"Amanda-"

I wanted my stoic husband back. I wanted not to feel. I wanted to be trained like my husband and son to not feel, to repress emotion... but alas, pain of many kinds continued to run through my body.

"Send for the physician" I groaned.

I hardly realized when he picked me up and carried me into the house and onto the bed. As I curled into a ball against the pillows and sheets, I heard him calling for the servants to send for the physician. Tears squeezed through my closed eyes as I forced myself to face the situation at hand. I was losing the baby, it is happening and there is nothing I can do.

But, I wanted to keep it inside. It needed to stay inside. It wasn't ready to come and I wasn't ready. Sarek returned to my side, and reached for my hand. I pressed my legs together and I cradled my belly as I began to feel an all too familiar feeling in my lower belly. It was the same feeling I had as Spock was being born: Pressure. It was coming and quickly. I let out a loud cry begging, pleading with my body:

"Please keep it inside!"

His hands held my arm as I continued, in vain, to fight my body.

Seconds passed, but they seemed like minutes. I was losing the battle with my body. The door swung open, Sarek rolled me onto my back, his arms slipped under my back and pulled me up and into his arms. In my blurry vision, I saw a pair of pointy ears pull my legs apart and my nightdress suddenly over my stomach. I looked down to see a Vulcan midwife in between my legs.

Sarek sat on the side of the bed, continuing to hold me in his arms with his back towards the midwife. As the pain intensified, I began to make peace with death. I couldn't remember it being like this when I was having Spock and surly, this kind of pain meant death was near. At least I would die in the arms of my husband.

"Lady Amanda" The midwife said stoically, "the child is ready to be born now. There is nothing that can be done, you must push".

I tried to fight, tense, groan, anything to keep it outside, but I felt it, the child, begin to decent further into my pelvis.

"No" I cried, "No, I won't!"

I tried to think of something to take the pain away, something just for a moment of comfort. Our Wedding Day. Spock. My mother. My father. Yet, nothing was working. Sarek's voice in my ear brought me, for a moment, out of the pain.

"Amanda, you must push" his voice softer than I had ever heard it "There is nothing that can be done"

"Lady Amanda, push now" The midwife commanded again,

It was at that very moment, I had lost the fight with my body. Finding Sarek's shoulder, I squeezed the fabric of his vest tightly and pushed through the pain unwilling and unable to control the screams that fell from my mouth.

I could hear Sarek whispering words of Vulcan and to this day, I don't know if it was for me or himself. His hand caressed my back and helped me conform to the position the midwives wanted as the horror continued. Sweat poured down my body, but I wasn't hot. On the contrary, I was cold. I pushed a final time and almost as quickly as the pain came, it vanished. The world began to spin, I felt my body collapsed against Sarek's chest and then everything went black.

* * *

I woke up with an IV in my hand and Sarek sitting by my side. He maintained his calm composure but as I reach out through our bond I found that he was shielding him emotions from me. He never shielded them from me, and I knew that he, too, was in pain.

I looked down at my body. There were clean sheets on the bed and a new night gown on my body. Sarek moved closer and was suddenly in front of me, a wave of relief rushing through our bond.

"Amanda" his hand brushed against my arm. A new physician was suddenly beside me, he was human, unlike the older Vulcan who had been regularly attending me. He stood beside Sarek, his arms clasped and rested in front of him with a sad look on his face.

"I am very sorry for your loss, Lady Amanda" his voice was soft, "You have lost a lot of blood and are severely dehydrated. I placed an IV in your arm to give you fluids while we give you a blood transfusion. It is nothing that can not be sorted here in the comfort of your own home".

I managed a nod. As the Physican continued to speak I found his words fell from my ears almost as quickly as they entered. There was nothing but sadness, sadness that flooded my heart, my head, and my empty uterus. Even now, as I sit writing this horrible memory, I remember the emptiness being the worst of the two.

"You and your husband are free to have more children, if you are willing" The heard the doctor say "I think we shall have a better outcome next time upon administering higher dosages of Penicillamine, iron, and anti-nausea medicine."

I know deep down that I would not be able to have another child. I could feel it in my bones, and as the years went by, I was proven right when despite our periodic attempts to conceive another child, it was unsuccessful.

"You are free to return to your duties at the learning center in three weeks time." He turned to Sarek, "I shall send a note to the Embassy."

The room smelled of floral like the air fresheners back on Earth. I forced my mind to go back to happier times, lovely times, anything to take have even temporary relief from the unbearable sadness running through my body. I remembered the smell of flowers when we went to Earth to visit my family when Spock was a baby. I held him up as he touched the flowers curiously and relished in his smiles and laughs at the butterflies.

When I was brought back to reality, the doctor and the midwives were gone and it was just Sarek and I in our bedroom. He moved to his side of the bed and ever so gently wrapped me in his arms. I knew that Spock were a boy from the moment I felt him kick for the first time, I thought there was no way a girl could possibly kick that hard.

And I knew from the moment I stared out in the setting sun on the balcony while resting my head on my husbands shoulder that this child was a girl. His arms tightened around me, and with a sad sigh I lowered my mental wall... well, what was left of it anyway. He needed to know how I felt and if he truly followed logic, he would know that it would be the logical thing to do.

"If you want, we can attempt another time."

As I shook my head, I felt my heart break at the thought of being unable to carry another child. I had always thought that one child was enough, but it wasn't until I was pregnant again that I realised just how much I wanted another child and the next few tears that fell from my eyes were ones of grief.

Hearing the door opened, I turned to see Spock standing in the doorway. He was in his pajamas and held his stuffed rabbit in his arms.

"Mother" he said, his voice horsed from sleep "I heard you screaming."

I wiped my eyes and sat up as much as I could manage, _he did not need to see me cry_.

"Yes, I was. I am sorry, Spock. Did I wake you?" He walked closer to the bed and suddenly I saw something change in his eyes as he stood at the bottom of the bed. His face softened from his usual stoic expression, and he slowly crawled up the middle of the bed and laid in between Sarek and myself.

He wrapped one arm above my chest and the other behind my head and cuddled his body close to mine. Sarek immediately pulled away from the embrace, but as the moments passed, he inched himself closer and wrapped his arm around Spock and myself.

"Linnea informed me about the child" Spock said in a flat tone "I am sorry, mother"

I sniffed away tears and swallowed my pain, forcing my voice to sound as normal as I could manage. "Since when have you ever been sorry, Spock?" I asked, forcing a smile.

"When I saw you crying" He responded, his arm tightening around my chest.

I hugged him closer to me and kissed Spock gently on the head, admiring for a moment just how much he looked like his father.

"Oh Spock," I said gently, and while I knew these words meant nothing to him then, I could have only hoped as he got older, that he would remember them and find their meaning. "I want you to always remember that no matter what you do, no matter what path you take. You will always have a proud mother".

~*The End*~


End file.
